Tic Tac... Joe?

"Warning: Asparagus leaves are poisonous and should not be eaten. Unless you plan on killing a rich relative who you'll inherit from. Then they make wonderful jams. Huh."

Alison was once a beautiful girl. Every one knew her for miles around. Grown men would travel great distances just to see her smile.
But that's all different now, since that fateful, horrible day.... (Dun, dun, dun)
Alison is a different person now, a changed person...
And anyhow, this Alison is a man.

"Check out this label, Franko." Alison held a jar of jam close to his face. "Asparagus jam. Hehe."
"Show it here."
Alison held the jar far out so Franko could see.
"Hm?" Franko gave it a queer expression. "To whom it may concern:" He squinted his eyes and read. "We are proud to present...

The Continued Adventures of Barney the Queen!
(Enter flashy opening song, which may or may not sound like the opening to Sesame Street.)

Gravel shifted beneath the foot of a not very tall at all man.
"Pitiful town." A gruff voice, um, gruffed. "Hm hm, hahaha, AHAHAHAHAhAA! Ugh. This town will be mine."
This man looked gruff, mean, and half starved. It's not that he was half-starved, he was just on one of them diets.

Anyway, he walked into town, threw something explosive around and coughed on his own laughter.
"The names Gruffman McGruff!" He bellowed. "And as soon as I'm done throwing explosives around the place I expect every single one of you to come over here and kiss ma boots!"

Back in the shop with the jam (and preserves and butters and other like spreads), Alison was still browsing merchandise. Um, forget him.
Clastro (or Phobie, whichever you prefer) was staring, stock still, out the window display.
"Look at the lunatic." She muttered. "Does he actually think people are gonna do as he says?"
Still, she was secretly wishing she was out there with him.

"Ignore him." Franko was at the register waiting for an employee to come back. (Incidentally, said employee was disembodied by McGruff.) "He'll tire down and disappear after a while. Hey, which do you like better. Pepper Jam or Cream of Wheat conserve?"
There was no answer, save Alison's "Uh huh, right man."
"Clastro?"
When Franko looked up he found her nowhere in site! "Clastro! Clastro, where'd you go?"
"Uh huh, right man."

Five minutes of searching and store raiding later found Franko and Alison outside the shop amidst the havoc.
"Clastro!" Franko called her above the explosions. "You can't be doing this. We have a mission to finish."
"I'm sorry, guys. Just.. I had to follow my heart." And with that she pulled the pin from another explosive.

Yes, that's right folks. She gave in and joined McGruff. Oh, how the weak-willed have followed! Er, the wildlife have wallowed. Uh... the flighty have swallowed?
Anyway, she joined him.

"It's my havoc wreaking instincts." She threw the bomb behind her and started to walked towards them.
But then...

"Stop right there!" Yelled a voice from the general direction she threw the bomb. And then the bomb hit ground. ka-BOOM!
"Uh, what?" Gruffman stared in a dazzled sort of way with a grenade in one hand and the pin in the other.

The smoke cleared to reveal... Four young girls in annoyingly inappropriate attire for their age!
"Cough. Hack. How dare you attack us before our speech was finished."

The staring continues from everyone, there is much blinking. Gruffman's grenade explodes, leaving him down for the rest of this post. (Ding Ding)

"Who..." Clastro begins. They all face the girls, and accidentally take some sort of formation much like theirs. "Who are you?"

"Ready ladies?!" The lead cried out with a jerk of the head over shoulder.
"Right!" Was the resonating replay. The first ran out and posed on the ground.

"Sure to brighten your evening engagement, and guaranteed to make anyone look older! I am Lipstick! Effects may be opposite on much older people." And she twirled a ribbon hanging from her namesake.

And so the next began... She took almost a praying stance.
"The powder of innocents, a child's first taste of the adult world. I am Blush!"
Pink powder flew everywhere from behind her, making everyone cough.

The third rolled over the ground and came to stand still on her knees. And all as she said:
"The wink that will make you blink. I am the Shadow the flutters in the night. I.. am Mascara!"

Suddenly a dramatic song burst from all around and the fourth girl went into a complex dance around the others.
Meanwhile, the others had lost next to all interest and were just waiting for it to end. Alison went back to looking at the jar in his hand.
Still the girl danced, this time going into fancy flips and cartwheels.
"Is she done yet?" Clastro sighed.

"I...." The girl sang in a higher pitch then was natural . "Am the unforgettable rose. That scent touching every nose. That thing which turns sweat into Diamonds. I am the fruit of the night, the answer to every girls plight."
And now the others joined in. "The flower so sweet. Oh, she'll make your heart beat."
"The undeniable Perfume!" And with this came a note that was so high it shattered whatever glass the bombs hadn't yet.

Every single person cringed, innocent bystanders fell over in pain. McGruff bled from the ears.
"Ow." Alison hushed. He examined the contents of his jar o' jam spilled all over his hand, the jar itself shatter into a million little pieces.
"Wow."
"Yeah."
"Thanks for the show." Franko said, louder then he'd intended since he was half-deaf. "We'll be on our way now."

"I don't think so." Perfume jumped up from her pose, the others followed suit. All four pointed a uniform finger in unison. "You're gonna pay for all the damage done here. And I don't mean with money."
Franko's eyes darted about. "Why?"
"Yeah, why can't we use money? Not that we have any." Alison tried to wipe the jam off onto his shirt and when that didn't work he used Franko's.
"Because of her!" The fingers all turned toward Clastro. Clastro was still holding an extra grenade, then she chucked it behind her.

"I didn't do it!" Clastro pleaded. "I was framed, used! He made me do it." She pointed toward McGruff. The girls all gasped, and Blush cried.
"You killed that man." Perfume stepped forward dramatically. The other three began humming a dark tune. "And framed him too. To think I might have forgiven the likes of you!"
Perfume was now breaking into full song again.

"Run." Alison blurted. And they did. (Oh, they did.)

"Now, Evil Woman!" Perfume and the others gave chase. "Know your fate."
"Evil woman!" Sang the others.
"Eeevil Woman! It's to late for you to save yourself toniiiiiiiight!"

The girls paused for a dramatic finishing pose.
Franko and the others looked back for some reason or another and weren't looking when...
"Oof!"
Clastro banged into the form of a man in green.
"Oh!" The rest came to a similar collision with other people.
Alison hit a girl in yellow, Franko hit another girl in orange. After backing up (and apologizing) they spied two more of these people in pink and brown. They all wore colorful outfits that covered everything but their shining smiles, their eyes covered in visors.

"Woah, there. Be careful, little one." The green clad mystery helped Clastro to her feet. "Where were you going in such a hurry?"
"Well, ya see. There are these girls way back there. And they're mad at us for no good reason. And they're coming to kill us!"
"And they sing bad too." Alison piped in.
"Just, sir. You have to help us.... What are you wearing?"

For one moment the trio stopped and looked at their unusual attire.

"This?" The man in green said. "Hm, this is our uniform for justice. It helps us save the world." He held himself proudly. (That is, he carried his chest high. Not that he hugged himself or anything.)
"Huh." The three stood staring, forgetting all about the pack of girls behind them.

"Captain." The one in brown, apparently a man, pointed behind the three.
Behind them were the four girls, looking gorgeously frightening.
"Wait, evil woman. Destroyer of homes!" By this point she'd given up on singing.

The man in green looked the the four then the trio.
"Are these the ones chasing you?"
"Yeah." Franko and Alison nodded. Clastro grabbed his arm. "Oh, please help us mister. They want my head on a platter."
The man in green nodded.
"Fear not, young lady. I shall to the death for your honor. Or else my name isn't Tic Tac Joe."
And he marched. And with a similar nod the rest marched with them.

"You know." Alison crossed his arms and leaned toward Franko. Was the group was out of earshot he spoke. "We could probably handle those girls fine on our own, if we wanted to.
Franko shook his head. "I don't know what she's thinking."
Clastro waved a solemn farewell.

Back on the battle field...

"Greetings. I understand you are the source of that ladies plight. It our sworn duty to ensure justice is served."
"As it is ours." Perfume stated.
"Man, what a smell."
"I know. I mean, if she smells this bad with perfume how bad does she smell without it?"
"Men." Joe looked to his team.
"Sorry." They all lowered their heads.
"May I have your name?" Joe asked Perfume.

Perfume just smiled and threw her head over her shoulder.
"Ready, girls?"
"Righ-
Oh, no! We are not doing that again. Fast forward.

The girls are now posing.
"Interesting. Then you should know our names,. I..." Joe's team began a similar posing spree. "am Tic Tac Joe!"
"Juicy Frutasia!" Exclaimed the yellow.
Also followed were orange, pink, and brown in that order.
"Chick Lettie!"
"Starzan Burst!" This was a guy.
"Almond Rocardo!"
"Together we are" Joe began again and the others joined for a finish. "Team Mars!"

Franko and co. were struck dumb once again.
"This is not happening." He tried to tell himself. But the image just wouldn't go away.
"I give up." Clastro sighed.
"There's a sale on burgers today." Alison brought out his most informative voice, which sounded like a higher version of the booming prophetic voice. Franko gave him a suspicious eye.

A chill wind blew, the posing teams eyed each other, uncomfortable camera angles were issued.
Then a spark came into one of their eyes. Someone was ready to move. Was it.. Yes, Perfume ever so slightly moved her finger and...

Neeeeeeeer!
A T.V. drops from the sky and lands in between them. A news show is on.
"This just in, a giant robot is attacking the streets of Seattle. Can't figure out why there. It's probably headed for the Space Needle because all giant things attack tower landmarks.
Stay tuned for some local comments. Okay here they are.
We'll I think it couldn't get a Visa or something. I mean, it probably couldn't get to Japan for some reason. I see no other reason for it to attack here when Japan is just across the ocean.
You may now all panic."

All three groups had somehow crept around the T.V., poses and all. They stared and blinked.
Then the T.V. self combusted. Ka-boom. Everyone fell backwards.

Fifteen minutes of composer gaining later...

"We must save this city, this Seattle." Joe spoke with resolve.
"That's right." Perfume agreed. "We have to go forth and save the citizens before something horrible happens."
"Uh, while that sounds all great and everything." Alison blurted into their dramatic moment. Most glared at him. "Don't you need a way to get there? And where is there? And what the heck was that box just now?"

Joe and Perfume ignored him.
"We'll have to use that thing." Perfume said. She grinned and stood up. "Girls. We're gonna save this city before these clowns can blink. Let's go, Sailor T- I mean, Compact Rush. Let's go."
"Right!"

"Oh, no you don't!" Joe called out, standing himself. "Men, it's time to call the M & Mobiles!"
"Captain!"

The girls went about a complex dance.
"Blush!"
"Mascara!"
"Lipstick!"
"Per-Fuuuume!"
Team Mars raised a toast to the sky and small veichles came rushing down.

The three looked baffled.

Perfume absorbed various cosmetics the girls had thrown in the air and started floating.
"By the power of Mars," Joe called out. "I summon forth the Gumdam!"
And thus it was that the M& Mobiles meshed together into one giant robot, which sucked the team in.

Meanwhile, Perfume had finished her transformation into something that looked bizarre and smelled even worse.
"By your powders combined" She chanted "I am Lady Beauty!
She took a dramatic pose and sucked the others into a glossy, rose colored force field.

And with this the two groups left in perfect unison, blazing into the western sky.
Behind them they left a strong breeze that tossled the hair of Franko and the others.
"O....kay."
Alison turned and looked at Franko. "So... lunch."
"Sure." He replied.
Clastro released a sigh of relief. "Well, that's a wrap. To bad we didn't find a clue about that cape."
"I keep telling you." Alison added. "A cape ain't enough to go off of."

The self combusting television set was brought to you by the Society of Creative Combustionism. We hope that you enjoyed you flight and will chose us for all your travel needs.
Thank you, good bye, thank you, good bye, thank you....